"You can’t be hurt if you don’t know, but what do I do now? / They always say to let it go, but never tell you how"
"I got nothing to say but I'm always talking / I've got no sway but I sure am rocking"
""Is that really me?" he said with a frown / "but I look so content and there's friends all around""
sashadobson commented on Danevans' lyric:
"I like this! For some reason I want to repeat it. "
(more)"But an open cut can't heal"
Marty Dodson commented on Danevans' lyric:
"Great line! I like the conversational tone of this!"
(more)"And I don't know why it should be a surprise / I knew what was happening by the look in your eyes"
"You can’t be hurt if you don’t know, but what do I do now? / They always say to let it go, but never tell you how"
"They say time’s a great healer, but I’m willing to bet / It’ll take more than a few tears, to help me forget"
"I got nothing to say but I'm always talking / I've got no sway but I sure am rocking"
"I got nothing to say but I'm always talking / I've got no sway but I sure am rocking"
Chris Barron commented on Danevans' lyric:
"i'm rarely on time but i'm on my way/my wristwatch is wrong at least twice a day [mess with the expectation created by the well-worn phrase]"
(more)"I'm rarely on time, or that's what they say / (but) my wristwatch is right, at least twice a day"
"No circles of red surrounding the date / My schedule is clear, but I feel like I'm late"
"No circles of red surrounding the date / My schedule is clear, but I feel like I'm late"
""Is that really me?" he said with a frown / "but I look so content and there's friends all around""
"With the box to his ear, he gives it a shake / It leaps from his hands; the gift is awake!"
""The Nice List is shorter than ever" , he cries / as the the Naughty List grows in front of his eyes"
"There's mess in the workshop, the toy makers slack / when the big guy's not looking they all take a nap"
"Everyone's friend when December is near / All but forgotten the rest of the year"
"Tied to a Pole, his best friend an elf / they say he's related to Christ himself"
Brad Roberts commented on Danevans' lyric:
"of course crazy fundamentalists would line up to shoot me if i sang this...."
(more)"Tied to a Pole, his best friend an elf / they say he's related to Christ himself"
"Down with the stories of tinsel and toys / here is tale that cuts through the noise"
sashadobson commented on Danevans' lyric:
"I like this! For some reason I want to repeat it. "
(more)"But an open cut can't heal"
"But an open cut can't heal"
sashadobson commented on Danevans' lyric:
"haha this is great. five hours!? i can feel the torment. "
(more)"Time out, to find out, why I can't concentrate / if she needs me, I'm only, five hours away"
Brad Roberts commented on Danevans' lyric:
"daniel - no worries about the syllable - when we say that word over here we slur past the syllable "er-ent" and just use "rent" as in "diff-rent"."
(more)"I try to trace this feeling to its source / My mind resets and starts a different course "
Brad Roberts commented on Danevans' lyric:
"this is more concrete than your last entry - nice."
(more)"A whisper that uttered in the night / a vision in the corner of your eye"
Brad Roberts commented on Danevans' lyric:
"very nice rhythm. try to work in a specific image if you can. a recurring dream is very general, which ay not work as well a specific dream. specificity is grounding. "
(more)"It feels as if I'm in recurring dreams / I'm yet to understand what they could mean "
Brad Roberts commented on Danevans' lyric:
"to be picky, would you say, in every day speech, 'i'm yet to understand?' i know that british is different. i would say i still don't understand. or i have yet to understand."
(more)"It feels as if I'm in recurring dreams / I'm yet to understand what they could mean "
Brad Roberts commented on Danevans' lyric:
"hey - i just looked at this dialoge now. jerry, good ear. you noticed that in "find love" sounds, to our ears, like to stressed adjacent syllables. this is a very subtle thing, and technically, as both words are single syllables, they could go both way. context is what determines the emphasis here. in this case, the only two syllable word is 'forget,' which, by it's placement in the line, makes it iambic. however, the word forget comes only at the end of the couplet, and there is no determination possible for the first line as all of the words are one syllable! quite an interesting case. jerry, your rewrite sounds more flowing, with just the simplest change, which is often all that is needed, and yet makes all the difference. the first line works, it is, technically ambic pentameter, but the rewrite is more elegant. great work on both of your parts."
(more)"I don't know why I feel like we have met / it's not like me to find love and forget"
Brad Roberts commented on Danevans' lyric:
"by the way, if you reread the words to songs of the unforgiven or ooh la la or even 'I Want to Par-tay' on Give Yourself a Hand, and you'll see it with new eyes. you will become addicted to scansion, and start hearing it in common speech. its quite a revolution in listening to the world. in elizabethan times, guys like john donne wrote letters to their friends in verse, usually iambic pentameter. some were so good that we still read them. (some of us, anyway.) if you want to get your head around iambic pentameter, try reading willaim wordsworth. he's much more accessible than shakespeare, who was one of the first great masters (milton too). the more recent in time the work is, the easier it is to understand. pope and dryden both wrote extensivley in iambic pentameter. they are also more recent, but rather dull unless you are into 18th british history. you'll also find, as i mentioned, that songs of the unforgiven has not just iambic pentameter, but sonnetts. i highly recommend taking on this poetic form and writing sonnets as exercises. the form is ABAB CDCD EFEF GG - that is, three verses in alternating rhyme, and then a strict rhyming couplet at the end. the couplet ties the sonnet together with its sound if finality - the tight rhyme does this. write sonnets over and over, use irreverant language if you want, write about ANYTHING, just do in in iambic pentameter. also you must read the sonnets of early twentieth century poet gerard manley hopkins, whose sonnets are feats of language. i must go read him now to refresh my mind. i would like to start a sonnet-writing club. we pick a topic, and then we all write a sonnet about it. seriously. it would be a blast, and we'd hone our skills like crazy! "
(more)"I don't know why I feel like we have met / it's not like me to find love and forget"
"the past stayed the night, crept out before dawn / my mind is unclear, the edges are worn "
Brad Roberts commented on Danevans' lyric:
"nice rewrite of your other line, but in iambic pentameter. a contender!"
(more)"I'm not too sure when, I last felt this way / a few months can pass, or sometimes a day"
Brad Roberts commented on Danevans' lyric:
"This is not iambic pentameter, but it's good verse. "I really don't know when these feelings came" is iambic pentameter - 10 syllables, first one unstressed, the second one stressed. To make it into a couplet, I would write: "I really don't know when these feelings came/This rerun in my head, always the same." Actually, 'always' is out of place, as it is pronounced ALways not alWAYS - but it is very close, and I could smooth it out with my vocal delivery. Does this make sense?"
(more)"I really don't know when / these feelings came to mind / this re-run in my head / eludes me every time"
Brad Roberts commented on Danevans' lyric:
"Monday morning at the station I slow-dance with those in my way I'm sure I've been here before As clues evaporate, I start my day Daniel Evans Daniel you have written a great verse, but it is not in iambic pentameter. I want to take it apart for your instruction, as I know that you are eager to rise to the occasion of using new meters. Incidentally, it is a beautiful verse nevertheless. 1) The first two lines have 8 syllables - four feet - but only the second is in iambs. Scan it yourself ( this is called scansion - to scan a poem): / v / v / v / v Monday morning at the station This line has 4 feet of troches, the very opposite of the iambs. Troches look, of course, like this: / v 2) The next line suggests iambs: for although all words are only one syllable long, the placement of "slow-dance" makes the whole line sound iambic. v / v / v / v / "I slow-dance with those in my way." 3) The third line is one syllable short of an even four feet: "I am sure I have been here before" Instead, try "I'm sure that I've been here before" The placement of "before" makes the line read iambically and gives it four complete feet of iambs. 4) Finally, the last line is perfectly iambic, and in pentameter at that: v / v / v / v / v / "As clues evaporate I start my day" Thanks for this, bro. I hope that you aren't daunted by these comments; they are intended to be supportive. Always love to hear from you."
(more)"Monday morning at the station / I slow-dance with those in my way / I'm sure I've been here before / As clues evaporate, I start my day"
"We cannot take the lost / those no longer here / where will we place flowers / one afternoon each year? "
Brad Roberts commented on Danevans' lyric:
"i like it. it might be a bit lengthy syllable wise, but it's not wordy in the negative sense of being overwrought."
(more)"We gaze up at the stars /a bright and blurry vision / I'm reminded of our rabbits / and their apparent indecision "
Brad Roberts commented on Danevans' lyric:
"this is very good and workable. there's something between those ears of yours, apparently."
(more)"Two of every shade / from mother nature's palette / pooling cosmic hope / in mourning for our planet"
Brad Roberts commented on Danevans' lyric:
"daniel - i like being passed between the trees very much, and i'm impressed that you figured out that whispering would overlap with the chorus. really nice lines. good job."
(more)"I thought I heard the Gods / and fell down to my knees / but it was just a secret / being passed between the trees"
"A single-colour jigsaw piece / I recognise that now / equally responsible / but powerless somehow "
Brad Roberts commented on Danevans' lyric:
"yes, this could be a very nice transition. i haven't read everything, yet, so i can't say it is chosen - yet."
(more)"But what good is a dish / when satellites don't hear / a single god damned wish / we make when skies are clear"
Brad Roberts commented on Danevans' lyric:
"lovely, melancholy. the formal diction works here, as your diction is generally elevated. "
(more)"I prayed unto the Gods / and waited for a cure / and as the last star fell / I prayed to them no more "
Brad Roberts commented on Danevans' lyric:
"you probably don't know that there was a tv show called 'lost in space' which lends a double meaning here. or do you know the show? it was american - i don't know how much american tv you guys get..."
(more)"Our connection has a fault / there's a wire out of place / are my wishes ever heard / or are they lost in space? "
Brad Roberts commented on Danevans' lyric:
"daniel - the idea here is good, but 'missing a last page' is a little clunky sounding, but maybe it would work once set to a melody. "
(more)"Our hopes they fade away / like the paintings in our caves / the scriptures that we wrote / are missing a last page "
Brad Roberts commented on Danevans' lyric:
"your metre is nearly flawless. i would use a melodic ornament to deal with the last line, where there is an extra syllable. "
(more)"Our worship was in vain / no answers from the skies / as everything we built / unravells before our eyes"
Brad Roberts commented on Danevans' lyric:
"your stuff is consistently good, daniel. you a songwriter?"
(more)" No need for trailing crumbs / Or keys under the matt / The last book's on the fire / Our conscience is intact"
Brad Roberts commented on Danevans' lyric:
"i just listened to your song online. really good."
(more)" No need for trailing crumbs / Or keys under the matt / The last book's on the fire / Our conscience is intact"
Brad Roberts commented on Danevans' lyric:
"(KUDOS) just comes up before my words sometimes. its a glitch in the system."
(more)" No need for trailing crumbs / Or keys under the matt / The last book's on the fire / Our conscience is intact"
Brad Roberts commented on Danevans' lyric:
"you sound a bit like me, here, daniel - if i may say so"
(more)"The satellites will fall / and stars begin to fade / the majesty is gone / the bed has been made "
Song Stats
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My Lyrics
Marty Dodson commented on Danevans' lyric:
"Great line! I like the conversational tone of this!"
(more)"And I don't know why it should be a surprise / I knew what was happening by the look in your eyes"