JennRiley

Beth Nielsen Chapman commented on JennRiley's lyric:

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Beth Nielsen Chapman commented on JennRiley's lyric:

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Beth Nielsen Chapman commented on JennRiley's lyric:

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Beth Nielsen Chapman commented on JennRiley's lyric:

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Beth Nielsen Chapman commented on JennRiley's lyric:

"here we go...sometimes my comments don't come through!

"opposite sides" is great...but "on" adds one two many syllables...good lines though!!"

Beth Nielsen Chapman commented on JennRiley's lyric:

"first line is the only weak point because it's a left over part of a sentence. make it stand on it's own."

Beth Nielsen Chapman commented on JennRiley's lyric:

"how do you know that spark is willing to ignite? "

Beth Nielsen Chapman commented on JennRiley's lyric:

"This is much better....! Flickers describes and stands on it's own. like the sentence could be "The flickers of a spark looking for the light...." and then you'd need to finish the sentence in the time left."

Beth Nielsen Chapman commented on JennRiley's lyric:

"pulls at the seams a bit in the melody...we just need it to be the start of a list. meaning saying what it is and not what it's doing in that first line"

Beth Nielsen Chapman commented on JennRiley's lyric:

"shining in the dark...keeper!"

Beth Nielsen Chapman commented on JennRiley's lyric:

"love the "ignite" rhyme...but the first line sounds like you are speaking during the time of Shakespear! (not sure how to spell that!) "

Beth Nielsen Chapman commented on JennRiley's lyric:

"whoomp. there it is! "shining in the dark" is great and fits right in..waiting to ignite is also really good....now the "is a tiny spark" feels a little pulled. Love "tiny" and "spark". I don't love "is a""

Beth Nielsen Chapman commented on JennRiley's lyric:

"did you mean "shining in the dark"? cause if so that's perfecto!!
"

Beth Nielsen Chapman commented on JennRiley's lyric:

"like the first phrase a lot! "

Beth Nielsen Chapman commented on JennRiley's lyric:

"pray for grace is very nice! But we've used the "a" rhyme several times in the previous B section...also I love how your phrases sing but it would seem not quite conversational...like if you spoke it across it wouldn't be full sentences...seems like a little thing but really makes a lyric stronger if it's just as you'd say it...."

Beth Nielsen Chapman commented on JennRiley's lyric:

"hahahahaha!!"

Beth Nielsen Chapman commented on JennRiley's lyric:

"Like this!"

Beth Nielsen Chapman commented on JennRiley's lyric:

"I like the mood of this. But the syllables in line 2 and 3 strain to fit the melody comfortably. It's not just the number of syllables but also where the accents fall on the melody. Love the last line....if you switch the lyric around it sings so much better...notice how the hi accent in the melody is where you have "through"....I'll illustrate with capital letters the high accents in the natural melody line and where they fall on your last line:

LAUGHing with me THROUGH the passing YEARS

Sing that line of melody and then try it this way:

LAUGHing through the PASSing of the YEARS

Now speak both lines and you'll notice your line changes when it's spoken. This is a fundamental element of lyric writing that makes all the difference in the world.

I'm getting some great lines from everyone but without singability we're back to base one!

:)"

Beth Nielsen Chapman commented on JennRiley's lyric:

"Oh one more thing....I removed the "we" from the line to make it fit. So it's essential that the "we" is in the line right before to set it up!"

Beth Nielsen Chapman commented on JennRiley's lyric:

"So if the line before is "cause all I want is you and I" It will work!

So now we need to go back and set up the "I" rhyme...."

Beth Nielsen Chapman commented on JennRiley's lyric:

"follow that 'stop'! how can you make it work? try 100 ways...!"

Beth Nielsen Chapman commented on JennRiley's lyric:

"some rhymes....

"all I've got"
"if I am or not"
"where the real truth drops"

"

Beth Nielsen Chapman commented on JennRiley's lyric:

"like this first line!"

Beth Nielsen Chapman commented on JennRiley's lyric:

"I like this movie...it moves the song forward...but the third line straddling over causes the lyric to be weak there...each phrase should stand on it's own..."

Beth Nielsen Chapman commented on JennRiley's lyric:

"I like Push and pace...I think pace is great if we get just the right other word. now think of 10 more! and one will pop out as the undeniable one!"

Beth Nielsen Chapman commented on JennRiley's lyric:

"I I like the idea of keeping looking for something where "scream and pace" is. It is not as conversational as the rest. "Claim my space" isn't bad...but need a little more explanation around it?"

Beth Nielsen Chapman commented on JennRiley's lyric:

"I think "argue" is way better to sing than "battle"...battle sounds more intense too...."

Beth Nielsen Chapman commented on JennRiley's lyric:

"like the visuals but not enough syllables in a few of the phrases...this should be pretty close to the first 2 verses RE number of syllables!

Also we've used "argue" and "I could" leading into the previous section so we need fresh words! :)"

Beth Nielsen Chapman commented on JennRiley's lyric:

"LOVE "stomp and pace"!! GREAT that you ploughed through all these options! Way to lift weights in the gym of creativity!! 🙌💪💪💪"

Beth Nielsen Chapman commented on JennRiley's lyric:

"Very clever and of the moment....but dangerous in terms of a classic song...all those songs that talk about "code-a-phones" are very out dated....it's bettter to shoot for timeless!"

Beth Nielsen Chapman commented on JennRiley's lyric:

"like the "argue til I'm blue in the face" reference...but this is a little far from that. how can you get it closer?"

Beth Nielsen Chapman commented on JennRiley's lyric:

"yes...instead of "turn back the time" say "turning back time" which FITS THE MELODY!!"

Beth Nielsen Chapman commented on JennRiley's lyric:

"the shoulder sings great...but it's a little stretchy....you are probably talking about the shoulder of the road?

Love "share the wheel"!"